My Big Fat [Insert Logo Here] Wedding

By Kenneth Hegan - April, 2003

His shameless sponsorship scheme is paying off! Ken Hegan Reels in an Opus of opportunities! (See how this works?)

Had a great meeting with Avra Goldenblatt, your marketing expert. She loves that I'm enticing local businesses to sponsor my wedding in exchange for rightful praise in this column. My wedding's coming fast (July!) so she's talking to booze sponsors and asking Maui's tourism bureau to give me a free honeymoon (I'm not making this up).

Great news on my part: I've managed to secure two wonderful wedding sponsors! My official caterer will be Reel Appetites (www.reelapps.com) because of their scrumptious menu, “highly trained chefs, event planners and food stylists,” and their promise to sponsor the appetizers, which personally will save me hundreds of $$$.

To seal our deal, Reel Appetites's Jane Mundy and Paul Crepeau said, “We commend you on your choice of caterers-superb food, impeccable service and presentation. As you know, Reel Appetites is used to catering for the film crowd: meeting their every whim, dealing with their demands. But in all these years, we've never met anyone as blatant and shameless as you (and Michael Douglas). To be perfectly honest, Ken, we're so astounded by your wanton exploitation of your own wedding that we'll do it. You and your guests will dine like the stars. We'll even make your pumpkin pie (which counts as a special request). You're so good at whinging and whining that we're gonna cut you a deal just to shut you up, on one condition: you can't tell anyone. P.S. Do you really have a bride?”

Yes! The system works! I love Reel Appetites!

Then Dan Craig called with more amazing news. On behalf of Opus Hotel, he's donating a night's stay in a fabulous corner executive suite. Fantastic! Opus Hotel was my first choice because, ahem, it's “a contemporary luxury boutique hotel set in the fashionable Yaletown district of Vancouver, Canada, just steps away from the inner harbour, spas, boutiques and the city's best restaurants.” Visit www.opushotel.com to discover why the Washington Post calls Opus Hotel an “overnight success-Vancouver's Belle of the Boutiques.”

Though July is peak season, Dan has graciously offered me a stunning one-bedroom suite with a wet bar, cordless phone, dressing area, soaker tub, large walk-in shower and a panoramic Vancouver view. Clearly Dan is a god in human flesh. He said, “Opus Hotel's dedicated team is used to catering to celebrities and their silver-screen-sized hotel needs. But I must say, Ken, we are so awed (and charmed) by your shameless wedding exploitation, we promise to make your wedding night a once-in-a-lifetime experience.”

I love Opus Hotel!

Now I'm seeking tuxes, invites, spa services, hair/makeup, a photographer, flowers, rings, jewellery and decorations. Sponsors must be willing to donate or significantly discount their products and services.

Remember: my bride refuses to participate in this in any way. She refuses to be named in print and refuses to be photographed without a black rectangle covering her eyes.

Nuptially yours,


Ken Hegan

For Media information please click here